I would like to share with you about two dynamics that are perpetuating wars in intimate relationships. This may be between a man and a woman and it could also be between two men or two women. It doesn’t really matter because in each scenario one of the two people is representing the container of the predominantly feminine energy and the other one is representing the container of the predominantly masculine energy.

I’m going to be using the words women and men simply to make it easier language wise, but it really isn’t limited to that at all. The two dynamics are really dynamics that we have inherited from our forefathers and foremothers that have been steeped in these very destructive dynamics. We may think that we are very individual, and our situations and our conflicts are very specific to the people that we are in relationship with, however a lot if it actually is not very new and not very individual. It actually stems from the collective unconscious where we have all this information stored of how women and men used to be in relationship to one another. As I’m going about sharing this information with you, please know that yes, these dynamics most likely play a role in your lives, and also you have not invented them.

One of the dynamics is this: Men or as I said earlier the person representing the container with the predominant masculine energy. In general, is not attuning to the emotional needs and state of their partner and also of themselves. There is a lack of atonement to the feeling state. If you are a woman reading this or as we stated earlier if you are the person in a relationship representing the container predominantly holding the feminine energy, you probably are very familiar with this feeling of not really being met and not really being seen in where you are at emotionally.

When that atonement is lacking in any relationship, it creates a sense of distance and separation that if not tended to, can easily escalate into greater and greater discord and disconnect. Men in general are not making it a practice to attune to the emotional state of their significant other. Nobody has taught them how to do that. Nobody has modelled for them how to do that. Why would they know how to do that? Nevertheless, the lack of that atonement plays a major role in a downward spiral of the relationship, without the man being aware of it.

Now I want to switch over to the counterpart of this dynamic which is an expression of the woman and/or the person in a relationship who is predominantly representing the feminine energy. As women we have a way of communicating what we need and what we want and what is going on in a way that can be very undermining or disempowering of our significant other.

Women in general are not aware that this is what they are doing. They are simply saying how they feel and what they want or need what is going on for them. They are trying to make sure something has been done or thought of and they are not aware of how damaging their tone of voice, or way of communicating this information is to their spouse or their significant other. I give you an example. A man spends days or weeks, preparing a blueprint for the new house that he is going to build for his family. He put all his energy and a lot of money into providing a beautiful, new house to his family and when he shows the plans to his spouse, the first thing out of the spouse’s mouth is: “But where is my pantry? I always told you I want a pantry in our new house. What were you thinking?”

This is not only communicating that the woman would like a pantry. It is primarily communicating to the man that all the effort he has made and all the love and the masculine energy in providing a shelter for his family is totally not recognized and not appreciated and it shuts him down immediately.

Women are not aware that this type of communication is not just landing as a complaint or as a request for change or improvement, it is actually landing as an emasculating message to their partner. There are many, many different examples I can give you. Let’s say the husband and wife are driving and the wife doesn’t like the driving style. She uses a tone of voice that is disapproving to say: “Hey why are you driving like this? Why don’t you slow down?” The very tone alone can make a man feel that his woman is emasculating him and the more a woman is emasculating her man the less this man wants to provide for her, support her, adore her, protect her, love her and so on. And he certainly is not inspired to attune to her emotional needs. Quite the contrary.

So, when you combine these two dynamics, one is the lack of attunement to the emotional and feeling state and the other one is the unconscious communication of emasculation, you are bound to end up in a relationship disaster and you don’t even know how you got there. What I would like to leave you with today is an invitation to just observe how one or the other or both of these dynamics are taking place in your life. Are you emasculating anyone inadvertently, unknowingly? Is anyone not attuning to your emotions and that makes you pull back and shut down? Are you not attuning to somebody’s else emotions and feelings and other days maybe pulling back? How are these dynamics maybe parading through your life and generating a downward spiral in your intimate relationships?

If you are up for it, here are two practical ways you can dive into this. One is, you can ask at least two men that are close to you in your life, whether they are your father, your brother, your spouse, your son, your co-worker ask them whether they would be open to share with you how they may occasionally feel emasculated by the way you communicate with them.

The other one would be asking the person in your life, your spouse, your daughter, your mother, your friend, about how attuned to them you truly are. Do they feel seen in their feeling state by you, or do they feel you are oblivious to how they truly feel?

These two patterns are intensifying one another. The more a woman feels cut off emotionally from her spouse, the more the higher the tendency for her to emasculate her man and the more a man is being emasculated by his woman the more he is shutting her out emotionally. It only takes one person to break the pattern, and turn the spiral around, so it can move upwards again.