The best kept secret about relationships and how to make them work and why they are often not working is so secret, most women and men do not know about it.

I stumbled upon it while doing really deep work with women and men, exploring and integrating the power of the lover archetype.

I am just going to come right out and say it. And then we can discuss it later, ok?

Women violate men just as much as men violate women.

I know this is a very touchy topic. And right now we are finally starting to look at the myriads of ways men have been violating women in broad daylight. And there are no words to describe the damage and soul wrenching wounds that have been inflicted in this way. The agony, the devastation and also the anger regarding it seems without an end. And at the same time, along with that, there is also another layer to that, which is as far as I know, hardly ever talked about. So here it is:

Men violate women in a somewhat obvious ways; it often has to do with physical violence, and more brute overpowering behavior. Worst case scenario, and much more frequent then generally known: rape. In general, you could argue that the ways a man violates a woman, is usually visible. It may still be very hidden, behind closed doors, and muffled under denial and deflection. Nevertheless, if there was a fly on the wall, the fly could actually see the violent behavior.

Women violate men in invisible ways. Invisible violation is insidious. When you don’t know you were violated, or you don’t know you are violating, you can’t do anything about it. A fly on the wall would not see anything.

I know this can be very upsetting news for women to read – and presumably soothing information to read if you are a man. I don’t know.

Let me assure you, that from the very deep emotional trauma work I have done with both men and women around this topic, this is very real. And when gone unchecked, can be a major factor in relationship dynamics that are less then awesome. With a 50% divorce rate in the USA alone, I think we can safely say that our relationship dynamics are not so great in general. And it does always take two to tango.

I am going to give you more context and detail about what this violence inflicted by women can look like. For now, I will give you a clue: it has to do with why men are often not as emotionally connective as women would like them to be. A complaint shared by most women.

What if you understood the dynamics of how this came to be, and therefor could take the full power back and create a relationship that is deeply connected emotionally?

One thing I like to say, and I don’t mean to be evasive, is that this dynamic of women violating men is a matter of primarily emotional abuse. Patterns that are so engrained in our day-to-day ways of being and speaking, that we don’t even recognize any longer that there is abuse embedded within it.

The crazy thing about it is that it starts very young;
when a man is still a baby.

When you have no power for centuries, and you are being abused and suppressed all that time, would you not find a silent, clandestine way to fight back? I would. And as women, we all did. And now it is time to become aware of these ways (that literally, we ourselves have become totally unconscious of) and transmute them. Once we can see clearly the motivating energies behind a behavior, we can then let it go easily and allow it to become something life giving.

OK, stay tuned and I will continue this conversation. I look forward to hearing your thoughts on this.

Heart to Heart Chat