I worked with a guy who went from wanting to get a divorce from his wife the day he left home to come to the retreat, to literally resuming married life on a very, very happy note the moment we concluded our session in the retreat.
I want to share a little bit more about that dynamic because it is a very common pattern – that in fact is actually very easy to heal, once you know how. When you don’t know how, it is virtually impossible to get out of that trap.
I’m painfully aware of all the many different ways that people struggle in relationship and I happen to be of the mind that it is never anyone’s sole responsibility. Every relationship is a co-creation and no matter who did or said what, our underlying energetic formatting will generate outcomes that we may or may not desire. So, wouldn’t you want to bring those dynamics into your awareness, so they no longer sabotage what is most dear to you?
Naturally, there is the corresponding feminine dynamics – that we will go into another day.
The dynamic I want to talk about today is something you may be familiar with, something you may have noticed in your own relationship or in a relationship of a friend or loved one. It is the dynamic, the man is of a very kind and gentle nature and is very caring and loving. Before he gets married or before he moves into a committed relationship, he is really, truly the ideal partner. He is very attentive, and he can anticipate what the other person needs without much verbal communication. He is a great listener; he tunes into his partner and meets her needs.
There is however one big catch. This ability to tune in and meet a female’s needs, came about as a necessity when he was a little boy and was a survival mechanism he had to develop. His mom did not get the emotional support she needed from her partner, and so turned to her son for this. Without knowing, the mom is placing great demands on the little boy; to be there for her, to pay attention, to notice what mood she is in and then provide the necessary relief. It maybe be a joke to make her laugh, or a sweet kiss to appease her, or what ever the boy figures out works to make mommy happy.
The Archetypal energy of the divine masculine starts to go out of the window very early on for this chap. As this dynamic intensifies, he looses all sense of self, all sense of self directed action. In a way, he can no longer exist, because he has to be someone else for mommy. This is also referred to as enmeshment trauma.
As a result, this boy, once he is grown up, is literally petrified of intimate relationships, as it used to equal annihilation of who he really is. All of this, mind you, goes by entirely unnoticed by mommy and son. There is no ill will. There are no bad intentions. There is only an attempt to make life as workable and bearable as possible, without knowing what damage it is causing to this little boy (and his future girlfriend/wife).
When this boy gets into a relationship, at first, he is super adept to making this woman feel so heard, met and connected with. Neither one of them are aware, that he is not operating out of a sense of freedom and true, unconditional love, but rather, that he is running a very deep, unconscious survival mechanism. Pleasing mommy.
Once the honey-moon phase, or the infatuation phase has cooled off, this very same man starts to withdraw, become distant, and kind of disappears. The man who was so sensitive and attuned, no longer is emotionally available. At all.
He is either absent, he may work a lot, he may withdraw in other ways, he may watch a lot of sports or porn, he may have a hobby that totally consumes him. Whatever it is, he no longer seems to be interested in being close to his spouse. At all cost.
Needless to say, the spouse freaks out. She feels betrayed, abandoned, deeply disappointed. Is it all her fault? What did she do wrong? Or why is he such a bad person all of a sudden, being so self-absorbed and uncaring? It stings badly and most often brings up deep resentment, anger, and pain. Once she starts voicing this discontentment, things only get worse. It becomes an unmanageable dynamic in the relationship, that is extremely painful and very disruptive. Why? The little boy inside can’t stand it when he is not pleasing mommy. To the unconscious, inner little guy, having a wife/partner/girlfriend who is displeased with him, ironically, is the worst scenario he could imagine. In his little mind, who is about 3 or 4 years old, having mommy be displeased indicates great danger.
The sad truth of the matter is that the man doesn’t really have a choice. It looks like he has a choice, but he doesn’t. There is something very, very powerful happening inside of him that that he has no handle on. He does not have any clue of what is going wrong, nor does anyone else.
And the response of the wife, although totally understandable and normal, is not helping matters. It only alienates this little boy, who is deeply buried in there, more. And he goes further, and further away; usually, never to return.
The wife feels left alone, she feels like she has to make all the decisions, she may even feel she has to be the man of the household, she has to pull all the weight. In short, she is basically running the marriage alone and depending on her level of commitment and strength she may or may not be able to participate in that very long. Most likely she becomes quite resentful, criticizes her man, becomes demanding, and complains a lot.
Through this archetypal integration work of the divine feminine and masculine, I have figured out a way to find and reach this little boy. And to help him out, so he can come out of hiding. He needs to understand, at the level of his consciousness (which is very removed and stuck in a strange time and place) that he no longer is in a situation where he is inadvertently being used to meet someone else’s emotional needs. But rather, that he is in an adult relationship where his needs and wants are equally important. It is a fascinating process and brings about massive transformations in relationships.
If you identify with this, or you know someone who is stuck in a situation that sounds similar to this feel free to contact me for a complimentary chat.
I also will be leading a free webinar (video call) on Tuesday, July 31. Please feel free to join, by simply using this link.
Then I invite you to join us for this free webinar on integrating the amazing qualities and energies of the Mother – Archetype, one of the four key components of the divine feminine.
When the mother archetype is being integrated, it looks something like that:
- The deep running constant anxiety drops away. The physiology starts to relax. The nervous system can start regenerating.
- The desire to belong more deeply and have more meaningful connections becomes a reality, and replaces that constant nagging feeling that we don’t ever belong anywhere and are always the odd one out.
- The sense of overwhelm that comes from feeling we have to carry the world all by ourselves on our shoulders makes way to a huge exhale; an exhale that makes way for the fresh, rejuvenating and renewing energy of the nurturance of the mother archetype. And along with that, the revelation of collaboration with others, in all its different forms, becomes a new way of life.
- The task of taking care of oneself turns into a deeply driven desire – and hence becomes real.
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I look forward to seeing you then.